#Bae spotting

(Aka, How to know when he - or she's - the one.)

#HOLYBAE

I spend a lot of time in my own head, which could be a good thing. I like to think so.

A few days ago, some characters met in my head, fell in love, and just knew they were meant for each other. I stared hard at them in my mind's eye, wondering how it happened and how they could be so sure. I studied these imagined people until their faces morphed into the truths I am about to share.

A few things to note before we begin: this is not for people who are alone and searching, wondering where to find the one. My imaginary truth-sayers met in my head, so I can't really help you there. Neither is this for people who are dissatisfied with The One, having identified them as #bae, swapped rings, cake and aso ebi, and are now wondering whether or not their vows are refundable. (This category of exclusions also covers restless people in more temporary relationships.)

No: according to the couple in my my mind, these guidelines are only applicable to people who find themselves 1) in the market for marriage, and 2) multi-desired by multiples of people.

Aka, this is dedicated to all you hot stuffs, contemplating whose heart to break on your way to the I Do's.
Here are four helpful tips, inspired by the Ultimate Bae of Life (hashtags applicable.)

1. Patterns.

At this point in your life you are at least twenty one. If you are not, please bookmark this page for future reference, as you will not need it yet. Hopefully.

          Life has this great way of preparing us for adulthood by socking us with a lot of the same crap, over and over again. "I've always had so-and-so bad habit!" and always known it was a bad habit, too. Breaking it is not quite so easy; we do love our crutches. The good thing is that by the time we have become adults, we have also identified positive patterns. One conveniently lazy pattern I've identified is that every time I'm about to be in trouble for not having done something, I magically find either the last-minute willpower to do it, or it suddenly doesn't need to be done. Call it procrastination if you like; I'm not talking to you.

          More seriously, though, I find that in my relationship with God, there is a pattern of Him having my back. There is a pattern of Him guiding me. There is a pattern of Him approving or disapproving of my choices. For instance:

          Once I liked this guy. I knew he was bad for me, but I persevered. Just when I started to lose hope, I called God into the matter with my tears. God's answer was a sort of silent, "Look, stop crying, you know this is bad but you won't listen. I'm not holding you back." What happened next is, this guy continued to only call me at 'certain times' - but at least he stopped not calling me.

          Fast forward (very) many years later, when I met a guy I fell dangerously hard for. I felt a little bit of that silent, "Come on, girl, you know how this goes by now," but I wanted to marry so I didn't listen. After a couple of heart-wrenching hiccups, God actually reached in and just burnt the cable. He's even still showing me the fumes of the thing.

          I learnt the difference between what it feels like (for me) to have God allow me have my stubborn way, vs. Him steering me away from something that would hurt me irrevocably. With a few unmentioned relationships in there, I learnt the pattern of how God speaks to me in these situations.

          Important to note: God speaks to us differently. We identify how He speaks by observing the patterns of our experiences. Identifying these patterns can help when we're faced with choices: in this case, potential spouses. 

(For people who do not believe in God, I think it's much harder, but the principle remains the same: identifying patterns in your life can help you figure out whether or not your choice is likely to be destructive or positive.)

2. Purpose.

I use 'purpose' in this context to mean an honest understanding of self, as well as the expression of that identity.

          Some people, like Beyonce, knew they were born to become king. Others are still ploughing through life's mundane patterns (there it is again!) in search of a path to greatness.

Some people are born making financially savvy decisions right out of the womb (a restricted poo-a-day regime saves on nappy bills), which made it easy for their parents to plot out their lives. But others were born dancing, singing or drawing before they could talk, and those are not quite so easy to understand - As infants, way before we grow into an awareness of what it means to be human, we are conditioned. Dancing babies are only cute until they're 5, and then they suddenly want to be engineers like daddy, or lawyers like mummy. Singing babies may be permitted to sing in church, but outside of karaoke, daddy would never support a career on stage.

          Most people trudge through soul-sapping nine-to-fives, believing they are ungrateful for wanting more. Most people grow up discouraged and disappointed, never realising that they are dissatisfied for a reason.

          Career examples are the most relatable. People are less likely to disagree that they hate their job. It's tricky with things like personality: Most people are in a semi-permanent state of restlessness and indecision. This is because we're given conflicting behavioral instructions for different situations, and we end up with conflicting identities. Be nice when you're outside but watch your back, you never know who really hates you. At work be ruthless, at church be generous. At school be competitive, at home be supportive.

          We lose our true selves in the confusion.

          The truth no one talks about is that there is one truth; one way: Be positive always. Work hard, but you never need to compare yourself with someone else. Be generous even when people take advantage... you know the spiel, you've seen the Mother Theresa quotes. I dare to suggest that "purpose", complicated as it may seem, is simply a combination of what you do best and how you do it. But it involves identifying who you are and what medium you thrive best at, in order to express that knowledge.

          Identifying who you are means you're less likely to make spousal choices based on who you want the other person to be - because of what you think you lack. 

No more, "I want a woman that prays because I don't go to church." When you start praying, will you toss her out? No more, "I want a man that has a sixpac because at least both of us won't be fat." What if he's only skinny because he has no one to cook for him?

          "I want a rich guy." What if his father disinherits him, or dies?

          "I want a girl with long hair and a flat stomach." Wigs and babies.

          Etc.

          Knowing who you are, and not who you'd like to be, means that you're likely to make better choices.

3. Healing.

There are a lot of scrapes and bumps on the road to identifying patterns and purpose. There's no escaping it: you will make mistakes. You will disappoint yourself, and you will disappoint the people that care about you the most. You will learn what it means to cry yourself to sleep, and what it means for the world to go on, regardless.

          You will grow the thick skin everybody keeps telling you about, and it will harden into a rock. And no matter what anyone says, you will just know that certain things "are not for you."

          Well. Remember when you used to be romantic? And you used to write poetry for that person you liked? Remember when it was nothing to you to spend an hour in traffic just to say hello for fifteen minutes and turn right back around to go home? Remember when you thought it was sweet to shower the one you loved with gifts, until you caught them making out with someone else? Remember how good it felt to tell everyone the name of the person you loved, until that one person told everyone you were just a desperate 'claimer'?

          All that time passed. You learnt from it. You cried. You dried your tears and you're grown now. Your new friends would not recognise your old self. There are some things you will never again allow yourself to feel

          Look. Your thick skin has become a bullet proof vest. 

          According to this incredibly funny tweet I saw this week,

 

lol.

          When we harden our hearts to block out the bad, we block out the good as well. And here's where healing comes in: When we are able to peel off the callouses from our fortified hearts, we can allow ourselves to receive the love we truly deserve.

4. Timing.

What happens when all these elements converge? The time is suddenly perfect.

          I've met great guys in my young life, but I met some of them at a different stage of my journey. I've also met guys who seemed to make it their purpose in life to dissect my emotions for sport. Perhaps I only allowed them to hurt me because I was looking to them to be the answer to the questions I was asking whilst searching for myself. Funny thing is, the guy that hurt me the most in this world turned out to be one of the sweetest husbands. [Timestamp November 2014, friends. Be guided accordingly.]

          The point, of course, is that when hardness clashes with hardness, it will only chaff, burn, break and hurt. When two icecubes sit in a glass they are two separates, trying unsuccessfully to live together. When they melt, however, they become one.

          And here's the point of this entire thing: I am suggesting that all four of these have to align for him or her to be The One. That time when you meet someone you can be vulnerable and open with, who you know - from observing the patterns of your life - is a good match for you, and who does not demand that you go against your purpose and identity, but actually fits together with your goals, you'll know you've found The One.
          Or: when you know yourself, and you're working in a place that makes you happy - at a job that makes you not want to call in sick; and when you've finally learnt from all your mistakes, and you know what kind of people are bad for you - and you have learnt to stay away from them! When you've let go of all the hurt and pain from your past, and can open up and be vulnerable with someone, the person that you find - and want to be with - at that time, is The One.

          Sometimes people find themselves in the same cycles of bad choices, wondering why they always choose people that hurt them: the patterns may be unclear, sometimes.

          Sometimes people get along perfectly, but their goals and values differ, and so they separate but still think fondly of each other: purposes can be skewed, sometimes.

          Sometimes people want to be open, but end up with partners who are still too afraid of being hurt to open up and accept love: the healing may be painful, sometimes.

          Sometimes people start off not-fitting, and work their way through long relationships to get to the point when they either stay or part: the timing can be off, sometimes.

          But when all these bits fit together in that one person, you'll know they're #bae.