Who killed saint valentine???

If you love love, or love the fact that there's a special day set aside for the celebration of love, or love the fact that said celebration is only a day away (GAGG!!), this post is NOT for you.

This is not a history lesson to remind you of the fact that someone was killed on the day you choose to celebrate your emotions or anything like that. God forbid he actually be mourned on the anniversary of his death. This is a rant, a tirade, a diatribe even –and in no specific direction either- so what i'm throwing out? Just might hit you. Don't say i didn't warn you.

 

1. I honestly wish somebody hadn't decided the Original Val Guy had to die. It was such a waste of a perfectly good life! Plus it would have spared us the trauma of having to love by force as a token of honour to his memory. I mean, I'm sure the guys that offed him regretted it the year after when all their babes were all up in their faces like, 'honey, i just know you're gonna surprise me with something real expensive this Valentine's!' [or more appropriately, 'My heart beats in certainty of the great expense of the proclamation of love that ye shall shower my humble self with on the eve of Love's Day, my Lord.'] hey, it was the 18-somethings.

   I can just see them at the tavern around the corner sipping wine out of their goblets like, 'Did ye all foresee that out of our pockets would we have to pay for the life of Valentine which we caused to no longer breathe the air of life?'
   

   *insert image of Val cushioned among the clouds like, 'ain't karma a beeyatch!'* 

   2. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE RED????????????????????????????????

Red roses, red balloons, red candy, red dresses... ARGGHHH!! Seriously tho, i'm sure guys stop being able to tell the difference after seeing two different red dresses, so why not jus wear black? Seriously! And don't pretend just seeing these pictures didn't blur your eyesight. And reality is thrice the torture!

Don't get the wrong impression tho, me and red are cool. Well, except for the monthly redhead whom i DETEST am not very fond of, (or red apples, or redneck lizards), i'm all for red nail polish. BUT have you walked into a *mall, store, restaurant, club, boutique, salon* lately? You can barely make your way through without getting bumped in the head by huge red dangling hearts or floating balloons. It's like, POP!! already!

And!, what about all the single ladies out there? Are they we all just supposed to go into hibernation for the duration? Ooh, i could just stab cute little naked cupid in the arse! i tried too!

But the determined little *bad word* wouldn't put down his arrow.

 3. THEN THEY WENT AND PUT VALENTINE'S ON A SATURDAY!!

Like, what's the big idea Big Man Up There? Friday was taken? Monday didn't want the stress?? Like, what's my excuse for roasting now? AND, have you SEEN what traffic is like on a regular valentine weekday? It's like, can't we just postpone it to a boring other day like say, the 17^th , so that we can all just pretend to be too busy to celebrate anything??! 

Even though, i found this very special place, isolated from all the oppression, where nobody even remembers what month of the year they're in, much less what day. It's a place i like to call... IBADAN. Seriously though, i walked into Sikin Chicken Republic the other day, and it's like Christmas in February. Literally. (I swear i even saw a Christmas tree.) So all the Suliat s Jenifas out there can just go home to Aiyetoro (?) and pretend the 14^th never happened.

As a parting note, i regret to inform all you co-haters people who understand my angst that i did indeed find a red dress i like.

Oh come on, It's Heidi Klum in Dior! will you forgive me? No? Then take this blackened red rose as a token of my deepest and most heartfelt apology:

Now that's the spirit.

 Today, iDON'Theart. Take THAT, saint valentine!