Diary punk (oneword)

Sometimes there are many answers - all of them correct, but different, fragmented and incomplete on their own - because you haven't asked the right question.
It's like tweezing; if you don't pluck out the root the strand won't die, and it'll sit there half-snipped, hidden but not gone, impossible to hold on to until it grows out again, stronger the second time around.

I am asking a lot of questions these days, about choices and fears. I am getting closer to identifying my fears, but not the reason why I have chosen to handle them in the way I have. I have been working under the idea that knowing why I've made those choices would help me ... find peace? Get over it? Change approach...?
I don't think that's the right question. Perhaps it is because I haven't identified what it is I want from the answer. So here's an experiment:

Why am I a writer?

Because I need to write. 

Why do I need to?

Because if I don't then I have nothing.

What does that mean, 'you have nothing'?

It's the only thing I'm naturally good at.

Is that true?

It's the only thing I know that I can be excellent at, if I work hard at it.

Are you working hard at it?

Not as hard as I should.

Why not?

Why not what?

Why aren't you working at it as hard as you should?

Because I am afraid that if I put in my absolute best, and I am only mediocre, then I'm really no good at anything. So I only put in a little best.

Does that make sense?

It's not about making sense. It's about preservation. If I tell myself i'm above average on my 'little best' then I can pretend that I really have the potential to be amazing.

So... why not use that potential?

I'm afraid that I'm not good enough.

For?

For me.

Is that true?

I don't know.

That's not an acceptable answer.

For my dad, maybe? I only got A's when I tried, and I didn't always try...

You're making excuses and going in circles.

I'm thinking out loud.

That wasn't a question.

What was the question?

Why are you afraid that you're not good enough?

Because no one ever says I am.

Is that true?

Because I never believe it when anyone says I am.

Why not?

Because I don't believe I am.

And so you hide.

Yes.

And you only half try.

Yes.

And you don't commit to anything.

Yes.

Because you think you'll lose it?

Because I think i'll get too attached and it'll get taken away when I need it the most.

But if you don't try you won't have anything.

And if you don't have anything you'll be mediocre.

And you're afraid of being mediocre.

You're asking the wrong questions.

I'm not asking anything.

Ask me something.

Starting things afresh gives me hope.

But you don't end them.

Leaving things unfinished makes me believe that there could have been another outcome.

Here's a question, why are you running?

I'm still asking the wrong questions.

Asking keeps you from living. You can just pretend to be perpetually searching.

I am searching.

You will never have all the answers.

(Thanks George. Excellent prompt question.)

Click.