One

1

Bimbo and Akintunde were at the party. Bimbo carried the baby. Akintunde watched, smiled. Nume and Rima and Zainab and Demi cooed. Akintunde beamed, proud. I walked over. I said, “She’s adorable! Can I hold her?” Bimbo said yes.

I touched her face, put my nose in her hair. I did that thing everyone does where they force their fingers into the baby’s palm. 

Bimbo reached out to take her back and she fell.

2

I met a guy, his name is Coolio. I don’t even know what that means. I don’t care. Some guy had invited him to a party that I was at, just a little thing; couple of people, couple of drinks, couple of losers on the prowl. He walked up to me, he said, “Yo, ma.” The only reason I didn’t burst out laughing was because, well, I didn’t find it funny at all. This guy, he was dead serious, rocking up to me in his oversize tee, feeling cool with his clinically even ‘fro. Yuck. But I gave him my number. I don’t know, I thought maybe he could take me out somewhere, sometime. Maybe it could be fun, you know? I don’t know, he left early, he said, “I’ll hit you up later.” Whatever. I don’t remember, I don’t think I’d had that much to drink. They weren’t drinking, of course, because they were being responsible. He was cracking a joke, she was smiling because she didn’t want to laugh too loud, because, “shh, guys. Don’t wake her up.” So we laughed in whispers, and that cracked us up so we ran outside and doubled over and laughed and laughed, and she shook and shook and shook because she couldn’t laugh, and I saw the tiny head nestled against her breast and I thought, what if she shook so hard the baby fell?

Then it was time for them to leave and I said, “Aww, she’s adorable! Can I hold her?” But they were walking and her dad took her and she made these little purring sounds and I thought, of course not. She could never fall.

3

There’s no 911 in Lagos. How would they get anywhere? I was in traffic for three hours on my way to Ikoyi from Surulere, the other day. Guess why? There’s a ditch in the middle of Western Avenue and everyone has to slow down to manoeuvre it. One guy – maybe the first guy, or just the dumbest one, – he tried to drive over it. His tyre practically fell off. Guess he miscalculated? The guy right behind him – we’ll call him the second guy, – he tried to speed by him as the first guy was trying to smart-arse himself over the ditch. Half his car ended up over the edge. Not enough space in between? I don’t know, I wasn’t there. Until later, when there was only space for one car at a time to crawl through. I guess maybe if we had flying ambulances? My head hurts. Hers cracked open on the floor in the middle of the party. We were like, screaming and running around. Funny, just a second before I had been like, cooing about how, oh, she’s so adorable. Oh, can I hold her, bla bla. No one stepped on her, thank goodness, but some of the blood got in the cracks of my slippers. I guess cuz I was standing right in the puddle?

4

“Oh my God is that your baby?”

“Yes,” she said. And him, too.

“She is gorgeous!”

“Isn’t she? She looks just like her father.”

“And so she does! Look at that little nose!”

“That’s the one thing I’m not proud of having passed on.”

“Oh she’s adorable. Can I hold her?”

“Of course.”

“Aww, aren’t you a pwetty liddle thing? Aren’t you just the cutest? Aren’t you just mummy’s little angel! Do you like it when I swing you up and down like this? Do you? Do you? No no, I’m not going to let you go. You’re too little for that. Yes you, yes you, yes you!”

5

“…I go, ‘oh she’s adorable can I hold her,’ and then, he’s like, ‘what if you dropped the baby?’ Hahahahahahaha!”