I've made a huge fuss about going home. Oh, it's so exciting! Oh, my friends! Oh, my wonderful life! Let me tell you, it has all changed. I'm not even back yet, and I already know a few things. I know that my room looks different, and has frequently been inhabited by foreign bodies, I know that people have moved on from all the places I used to love, I know that I do not hold the same position as I did in the lives of my besties a year ago, I know that my heart doesn't fit in the same place it used to in September.
I know that it won't be easy to find a new groove - I know there's no getting the old one back - I know that I won't be able to spend hours on the phone anymore because I would finally be a hundred percent responsible for bills, I know that I'll make more visits to the hair dresser's, and also that I won't make very many to the grocery store. After all, I know there won't be any gluten-free items to stock up on.
I know I'm different, and I know what it cost me to become different. I know now how lonely it can be to live away from the people you've come to take for granted. I know how loneliness can heighten feelings you wouldn't even pay attention to otherwise. I know what it means to feel desperate, to be afraid of failing, and I have learnt that I am also afraid of winning. I know what it means to be terribly disappointed, to be irrevocably hurt. And oh, what it means to be the cause of someone else's pain.
I have shed real tears in front of two relative strangers, where my best friends have never seen me cry. I have studied vulnerability from rock bottom, and seen myself accept decisions I never thought I would. I have learnt the importance of humility, but not how to let go of all my pride. I am still learning.
I have learnt love. Seen it in different forms, finally accepted that there is no absolute manifestation of it, and learnt to accept the fact that the feeling of it can be very, very separate from the choice of it.
And forgiveness, what it means to truly let go. What it means to give yourself a second chance at a relationship with the people who have hurt you in the past. Because, I hurt them too. And I probably will again. And they probably will again. But the choice to let go of the burden of malice means that each time, you can forgive again. Because you will need all these people, and you will love them, because you simply must.
I have learnt jealousy. I live in it. I have not learnt how to let go of it. I have also learnt that it is true that I do not regret anything, not anymore. Most of all, I have learnt that I am enough. I am truly happy with the choices I've made, and with the lessons I have learnt. I am blessed.
Home has changed from what it was before, but I have a feeling it has become exactly what I need.
I know that it won't be easy to find a new groove - I know there's no getting the old one back - I know that I won't be able to spend hours on the phone anymore because I would finally be a hundred percent responsible for bills, I know that I'll make more visits to the hair dresser's, and also that I won't make very many to the grocery store. After all, I know there won't be any gluten-free items to stock up on.
I know I'm different, and I know what it cost me to become different. I know now how lonely it can be to live away from the people you've come to take for granted. I know how loneliness can heighten feelings you wouldn't even pay attention to otherwise. I know what it means to feel desperate, to be afraid of failing, and I have learnt that I am also afraid of winning. I know what it means to be terribly disappointed, to be irrevocably hurt. And oh, what it means to be the cause of someone else's pain.
I have shed real tears in front of two relative strangers, where my best friends have never seen me cry. I have studied vulnerability from rock bottom, and seen myself accept decisions I never thought I would. I have learnt the importance of humility, but not how to let go of all my pride. I am still learning.
I have learnt love. Seen it in different forms, finally accepted that there is no absolute manifestation of it, and learnt to accept the fact that the feeling of it can be very, very separate from the choice of it.
And forgiveness, what it means to truly let go. What it means to give yourself a second chance at a relationship with the people who have hurt you in the past. Because, I hurt them too. And I probably will again. And they probably will again. But the choice to let go of the burden of malice means that each time, you can forgive again. Because you will need all these people, and you will love them, because you simply must.
I have learnt jealousy. I live in it. I have not learnt how to let go of it. I have also learnt that it is true that I do not regret anything, not anymore. Most of all, I have learnt that I am enough. I am truly happy with the choices I've made, and with the lessons I have learnt. I am blessed.
Home has changed from what it was before, but I have a feeling it has become exactly what I need.
This touched a nerve. After only a year away, I visited home, and everything was different. I had spent a while feeling sorry for myself, and being confident that as soon as I moved back, everything would be wonderful again.I expected the world to stop in it's orbit and become a giant welcoming ball; and even though my friends and family were excited to have me back, they went right back to their lives.
ReplyDeleteOur experiences colour our views. Even if the people and places back home haven't changed,and they will have, we have.
I am away again, and I am learning to live life fully where I am, not one foot in and one foot out. I am coming to terms with the birthdays and weddings I will have to miss.I am making the best use of my friends here, and making the distinction between friends and acquaintances back home.
I am growing up.
@noiroublanche: This makes me want to cry. I definitely did not live fully this year, my heart was constantly turned toward home. I did not come to terms with the celebrations I missed, and I did not make use of the amazing people around me over here. Perhaps if I had another go at it I'd make different choices, but maybe not.
ReplyDeleteI guess that's the one thing I could regret, except that it has also helped me realise that the idea of home is really whatever and wherever you make it. Everything changes, and you have to be grateful that you're a part of it, in order to learn to change with it.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Enjoy !!! I can definitely identify with some of it. Looks like you've learnt a lot though, and that's always a good thing. I've gradually come to accept and make the best of what I meet when I go home, and embrace the people and experiences where I'm currently at.
ReplyDelete