Stop telling women to smile

When I stumbled on the street art series titled, "stop telling women to smile" by Tatyana Fazlalizadeh, I could immediately relate.

I posted it on instagram and a friend commented, "Lol, why not?" As in, "Why should [people] stop telling women to smile?" This friend is a woman.
I started to be offended and then I realised, how could I get angry for imposing my offence on someone who doesn't feel the offence?

And here's where a huge part of the problem lies. How do we rally against an issue that affects so many women so differently? What right have we to demand other women to feel the same way we do, if they don't?

I understand how the subtle pressure to be admired can creep in and become a source of guilt, of validation, of insecurity. But what's worse than all those internal processes that everyone is entitled to, is the feeling of entitlement that men have about assaulting women with their words of 'admiration'.

There's no worse feeling than being guilted into responding to verbal assault, just because the words are phrased different than an insult would. There's no worse form of assault, than where one is trapped in the confines of an offence that outwardly appears inoffensive.

Did I ask you?

Here's my question: what is the impulse in a man that makes him feel justified to expect a woman to respond to him, just because he wants her to?

Why is harrassment any less so, just because the words are cloaked as compliments?

Of course, in Lagos, this situation rarely stays within the confines of verbal-only assaults. With the same assurance; the same cocky entitlement, these men will often grab at an offending woman to ensure her attention, groping her arm, her waist, touching her randomly and laughing in the face of any protests. Whenever a woman dares complain, all she gets instead is amusement, and talk of, "It's because you're fine, that's why." 

Why does that make it okay? 

This video featuring Shoshana B Roberts is so so great, for showing how much of a problem this is.

But already, there are several responses to this, with statements like, "saying hi to a woman is harassment? this video says so!"

I stumbled on this gem of an article, complete with a satirical video addressing the matter. Here's a powerful quote:

And here's the video:

Questions for any men reading this:

1. Can you describe the impulse a man gets that makes him expect a response from a woman when addressed in this way?

2. Is there a sense in which you feel you're, "only appreciating her beauty," and can you explain where that comes from?

3. Why do you think she should respond?

4. What if she's thinking about something else? She's preoccupied? She's stressed? She's in a bad mood? Or she just doesn't think she should respond? Why are these options not valid?

5. If you take a minute to think through it, logically, can you imagine how much time it would take for a woman to have to respond to everyone she comes across?

5b. And now that you've taken a minute to consider it, can we all agree that you do not have the right to demand that someone else should respond to you, just because you want them to?

For more information on what street harassment is, please click here and here. 

And if you do it, stop.