There are more things in the way of our freedom than we realise. And most of those things are things we put there. Or someone else put them there, but even though we keep bumping against them and tripping over them and stubbing our foot on them, we refuse to move them away. We are comfortable with familiar pain, and that is at the root of our unhappiness, our discomforts, and our lack of success (in our careers, in our relationships and in our spirituality.)
The funniest thing is that a lot of the hurts are more irrational than we would like to admit, and yet we hold up rational arguments in defence of them. Like: if you stub your toe against a boulder overtime you cross the road, you should either move the boulder away or cross the road at a different point. Instead, we do the same things, and complain about how other people have contributed to our hurts.
In a conversation with my bro bros today, I discovered that something I did, once, over ten years ago, to one of them, cemented his opinion of me in a certain regard from that point on. We still go out, make jokes, laugh and have a good time as family, but that one thing did not change, regardless of how many other things I may have done to counter it. I didn't apologise, because I felt guilty for having done it, and resentful of having been held accountable for something I did when I was, I don't know, fifteen. But it was a little stone in a little sock that has continued to hurt until now. At the same time, some things they'd done twenty years ago, are clear memories that I have not fully let go of.
And this is family.
Okay. So what I'm saying is not new. There's a Stephen Covey quote for it, somewhere. But it didn't matter how many times we recited the Seven Habits, it still didn't help us get to the point where we could talk about these things freely. Until now.
Until now.
Look, it's probably not even important, right? It's not even a big deal. But, do you know, that being able to talk about it in passing in five minutes has already made a difference, in a little way? And do you realise that we could perhaps have had that five minute conversation ten years ago?
The truth about life and about offences is that it is logically easier to talk and let go and to freely give the benefit of doubt. It takes up less mental energy, it takes up less emotional exertion, it makes everyone feel better and it makes relationships stronger. Four benefits, right there. And yet, we find ourselves holding on to our "right" to our hurt and our pain. Can we not see how much of a lie that is?
Can we not see how, at work, it is better for both you and the company for you to take on more responsibility, whether you're getting paid for it or not? (You get twice the experience in the same amount of time and can plump up your CV with two job descriptions instead of one.) Can we not see how helping someone carry their load is better than leaving them to struggle? Can we not see how being kind to someone is always the right thing to do, whether they appreciate it or not?
Can we not see how much hurt we end up holding on to when we take offence? When we hold back? When we choose to be justified?
We are never happier when we are holding on to hurt. No one was ever happier for choosing to remain hurt. Do you see the logical impossibility of those two opposites coexisting?
We often think that "being hard" protects us. But being hard prevents us: From receiving kindness, from business opportunities, from relationship growth. "But what if they take advantage" is an empty fear, because, what if they don't? It is fifty-fifty, every time. The fact that someone hurt you yesterday doesn't mean they'll hurt you today. But your inability to let go of the hurt from yesterday is certain to prevent you from the good that could come of today.
Why are we so blind?
Why are we so willingly led astray?
The funniest thing is that a lot of the hurts are more irrational than we would like to admit, and yet we hold up rational arguments in defence of them. Like: if you stub your toe against a boulder overtime you cross the road, you should either move the boulder away or cross the road at a different point. Instead, we do the same things, and complain about how other people have contributed to our hurts.
In a conversation with my bro bros today, I discovered that something I did, once, over ten years ago, to one of them, cemented his opinion of me in a certain regard from that point on. We still go out, make jokes, laugh and have a good time as family, but that one thing did not change, regardless of how many other things I may have done to counter it. I didn't apologise, because I felt guilty for having done it, and resentful of having been held accountable for something I did when I was, I don't know, fifteen. But it was a little stone in a little sock that has continued to hurt until now. At the same time, some things they'd done twenty years ago, are clear memories that I have not fully let go of.
And this is family.
Okay. So what I'm saying is not new. There's a Stephen Covey quote for it, somewhere. But it didn't matter how many times we recited the Seven Habits, it still didn't help us get to the point where we could talk about these things freely. Until now.
Until now.
Look, it's probably not even important, right? It's not even a big deal. But, do you know, that being able to talk about it in passing in five minutes has already made a difference, in a little way? And do you realise that we could perhaps have had that five minute conversation ten years ago?
The truth about life and about offences is that it is logically easier to talk and let go and to freely give the benefit of doubt. It takes up less mental energy, it takes up less emotional exertion, it makes everyone feel better and it makes relationships stronger. Four benefits, right there. And yet, we find ourselves holding on to our "right" to our hurt and our pain. Can we not see how much of a lie that is?
Can we not see how, at work, it is better for both you and the company for you to take on more responsibility, whether you're getting paid for it or not? (You get twice the experience in the same amount of time and can plump up your CV with two job descriptions instead of one.) Can we not see how helping someone carry their load is better than leaving them to struggle? Can we not see how being kind to someone is always the right thing to do, whether they appreciate it or not?
Can we not see how much hurt we end up holding on to when we take offence? When we hold back? When we choose to be justified?
We are never happier when we are holding on to hurt. No one was ever happier for choosing to remain hurt. Do you see the logical impossibility of those two opposites coexisting?
We often think that "being hard" protects us. But being hard prevents us: From receiving kindness, from business opportunities, from relationship growth. "But what if they take advantage" is an empty fear, because, what if they don't? It is fifty-fifty, every time. The fact that someone hurt you yesterday doesn't mean they'll hurt you today. But your inability to let go of the hurt from yesterday is certain to prevent you from the good that could come of today.
Why are we so blind?
Why are we so willingly led astray?
No comments:
Post a Comment