It’s okay...

Sis

I see you.

I recognise the walls you wrap around you like a shield.

Sis,

I hear you

Those arguments you get into

for no reason,

except to make sure that no one will ever

take you for a pushover,

ever, again.

Sis,

I feel you-

in control of everything

because if you don’t take care of everything,

no one will take care of it for you.

- you learnt that the hard way

the same way you learnt that it was a crime to trust

your brother - or your brother’s friends

or your dad - or your dad’s friends

or your neighbor

or your lesson teacher

or even that boy you liked, who liked you back, but when you said you didn’t like it, he still didn’t stop.

It’s become a badge of honour: to be one of those who got on with life

who are making it,

regardless.

no one knows that the reason you always have to face the door

or flinch when anyone walks behind you

or hate the sound of generators

or always always make sure you have enough money to

buy your own

is because someone who was once “kind”, stole more than you could ever buy back.

Now they dare to call you hardened

when they stole your softness.

They tell you to open up your heart,

but every time you try,

their “kindness” reminds you of uncle, and brother, and neighbour...

and the aunties that said, “shush, we don’t talk about such things.

instead, next time you see a boy,

close your legs

close your eyes.”

the aunties that come back to ask, what’s wrong, why haven’t you found a husband?

my eyes were closed, aunty;

then,

and since, in fear...

You’ve moved on

You’re killing it, sis 👏🏽

but they never let you cry.

no one gave you permission to

grieve for the version of you they killed.

You never even got to say, “It’s not fair!

I didn’t know! You betrayed me! You should have covered me!

Do you know the battles I shouldn’t have had to fight?

Do you know how much of myself - my decisions, my thoughts, my desires - that I no longer trust

because

I don’t even remember how??” you just had to grow up.

and you learnt that growing up meant

pretending you were

okay.

Sis,

I just wanted to tell you

the same thing God told me:

You don’t have to feel guilty;

You didn’t do anything wrong.